I’ve been silent on what I call now a beautiful relationship to what made me who I am. It started off quick to the point that I uttered “I love you” first when I snuck you to a private room at a house party. But it wasn’t healthy for you, as it was for me.
I was 20 years old, and just lost my virginity to someone who lied to me a couple of months back and that still scarred me. I was vulnerable, lost and I thought if I had a partner then he could fix me. That’s where you came. You promised me the world and more that I thought my dreams back then were coming too. But what I did not know, was the terms of that contract that came with it.
I fought with my family, then packed up one day, and ran to you because you were comfort. I gave up my life for you. I stopped pursuing my studies and started to embark on this journey which was not me. I stopped dreaming and started living a lie.
I thought what we had was love, even though it was painful. We would argue over stupid things, then you had the chance to go to your friends when I was alienated from everyone, including my best friend. I had to sit there crying and wondering if this is the end, while sending you numerous texts in which you played your game to respond. I cried numerous nights because I missed the people who loved me but was ashamed to confront them because you gave me this negative perception of pride. What hurt more, was that you never comforted me when my pillows were drenched with tears.
“My ex was on a billboard; you should look like him” – how does it feel to be compared to another model? Especially from the one that you loved. It creates a complex, especially when you told me that he is your true love. And me finding out your confessions via text multiple times when you showered. Was I a side project and was your love not true?
Luckily, I reunited with my best friend but that was a no for you due to the threat of my clarity. You accused us of dating then stole my IDs so I wouldn’t leave the house. All because I had one friend that was mine and on my side. Thanks to him that’s when I got the strength to escape.
I had to go home because I found myself looking out at the balcony many nights thinking, is this love? Why are people happy if this is it? Why aren’t I? I don’t want this. I should just jump off and end it. But the thought of ending it because of one person, and the pain that I will inflict on multiple people is something so selfish that I can’t imagine doing. I had to fix myself before pursuing this relationship.
Yes, I was not perfect, have never admitted it. But the accusations you put on me that dragged my friends, who I still love, to your side were heavily painted. I was too angry with them when they didn’t hear my side because they wanted to belong to that lifestyle.
It took me years to get over you, while it took you a few of months. Then your ex randomly approaching me and telling me about you with the same love he experienced from you was downright disappointing. Which shut my heart to hope.
8 years later and I still haven’t allowed anyone to be intimate with me due to what I thought was damage but was weakness that I permitted to enter. Throughout those years, I missed you then hated you which became a dragging energy that is stronger than love. Now I do not hate you anymore, and I am at peace with what happened.
You taught me my self-worth. You taught me what I want in life. You taught me what I want in a partner. And I say thank you for those beautiful 8 months of wisdom and I wish you all the best.